I sometimes lay in bed, unable to sleep, and I find myself thinking of the most horrible things.
I really can't explain...it is like, anxiety takes over and I am just filled with paranoia and fear.
I think of losing my relationship, waking up to a natural disaster, losing a family member or obtaining a disease.
I hate it.
I sometimes even find myself afraid to close my eyes and sleep because the anxiety infiltrates my dreams. Terrible nightmares and sometimes even extreme sleep paralysis.
Life was once filled with dreams and hope for me.
I would lay in bed for hours writing in my journal or blogging about love and goals.
I don't know what happened to all of it.
Yes, I do love my life.
I have so many things to be grateful for and wouldn't trade it for anything.
I just feel like I'm not all I can be right now.
I have accomplished so many things and people always tell me how wonderful and talented I am.
I know my talents and the knowledge I possess are wonderful, but it's like I'm unable to truly live in every moment.
I feel like these anxieties stem from this.
I have met so many people who are hard workers; who live each and every day and have so much gratitude for life.
They are open to very many things.
They constantly speak of how beautiful life is; constantly uploading pictures of nature, historical monuments or beautiful art.
I used to be that way.
These days, I feel as if I'm missing that core purity I once had.
I moved to Arizona in 2010 after a very depressing mental break down and since then it's as if Jacob has been lost...at least to me anyway.
Yes my friends and family still support and love me, and I have the love of such an incredible man, but I sometimes wonder if I love who I am.
It's almost as if I don't take the time anymore to truly embrace all that I have become.
These anxieties have truly caused me to wake up...to think that if my fears were to happen, where would I go? What would I do?
If my life ended, would I leave a loving and memorable legacy?
Would I be happy with what people say of me?
Would I be happy with how I lived my life?
You know, just typing that feels good.
I rarely get to express how I really feel these days.
I used to journal and write it all...maybe I should start again.
I just want to be 110% happy with everything I do.
Every decision.
Every performance.
Every effort and every word.
I welcome truth, hope, drive, faith, joy, loyalty and most importantly, love.
All of the love possible.
#Neweginnings
