I heard once that one must be comfortable being alone before he can be with someone else.
That's a line I tell most of my friends when they're going through a break up or when they're feeling lonely.
However, it's not advice I take easily myself.
It hasn't been long that I've been single, but it has been long that I've been lonely.
I was once in the greatest relationship I've ever known.
One filled with trust, honesty...and love.
I would literally fall asleep at night, hesitantly because it was almost as if being awake was better.
It was like I had everything I had ever wanted.
Someone to believe in.
Someone to be inspired by.
Someone to truly give everything to.
I lost it.
All of it.
It's been over a year and a half since the end of this great relationship, and even though it was only 3 short months, nothing compares to the experiences and emotions I felt during that time.
Many can say we were young, infatuated and naive...but I have never felt emotions so deep in my entire life.
Even performing in front of thousands of people couldn't give me those same feelings.
My only fear now, that I gave it all up, is to never feel it again.
It ended because I couldn't handle the reality of it.
I was scared of it.
I thought I was going to eternal damnation because of how I was raised.
I though it wasn't going to last because "God" would end it...because it wasn't an "honorable" relationship...
...because it was detestable.
An abomination.
I laid in bed night after night, crying, because I thought God wanted me to end it.
It hurt so much to think about.
I had no idea what to do.
Here I was, 18 and scared for my life...for my destiny...for my soul.
1 thing I knew for sure though, was that I loved him and he loved me.
I didn't last though. I became so weak and eventually, I gave it all up.
Literally threw it all away on one stupid phone call...one stupid decision...and one stupid 22 hour drive from Washington to Arizona.
I learned a lot while in Arizona, but I've never gotten back what I have given up.
I never received the love I believe God wanted me to hand over.
I broke a heart in the process.
I shattered my own, my plans...my everything.
And now here I am, back in Washington, hoping day and night that I will feel once again.
That I will run into love and be allowed to experience it's reality once again.
I have made many mistakes, tons of ridiculous decisions...but yet I still believe in love.
I still believe I can fall in love again.
I want it more than anything.
My only fear is that I wont.
...is that I passed it up a year and half ago, when I climbed into that car and said goodbye to the only true love I have ever known.
My only fear, is to not be truly loved once again.
-Jacob Andrew
