Late Night Banter

I sometimes lay in bed, unable to sleep, and I find myself thinking of the most horrible things.
I really can't explain...it is like, anxiety takes over and I am just filled with paranoia and fear.
I think of losing my relationship, waking up to a natural disaster, losing a family member or obtaining a disease.

I hate it.

I sometimes even find myself afraid to close my eyes and sleep because the anxiety infiltrates my dreams. Terrible nightmares and sometimes even extreme sleep paralysis.
Life was once filled with dreams and hope for me.
I would lay in bed for hours writing in my journal or blogging about love and goals.
I don't know what happened to all of it.

Yes, I do love my life.
I have so many things to be grateful for and wouldn't trade it for anything.
I just feel like I'm not all I can be right now.
I have accomplished so many things and people always tell me how wonderful and talented I am.
I know my talents and the knowledge I possess are wonderful, but it's like I'm unable to truly live in every moment.

I feel like these anxieties stem from this.
I have met so many people who are hard workers; who live each and every day and have so much gratitude for life.
They are open to very many things.
They constantly speak of how beautiful life is; constantly uploading pictures of nature, historical monuments or beautiful art.

I used to be that way.

These days, I feel as if I'm missing that core purity I once had.
I moved to Arizona in 2010 after a very depressing mental break down and since then it's as if Jacob has been lost...at least to me anyway.
Yes my friends and family still support and love me, and I have the love of such an incredible man, but I sometimes wonder if I love who I am.
It's almost as if I don't take the time anymore to truly embrace all that I have become.

These anxieties have truly caused me to wake up...to think that if my fears were to happen, where would I go? What would I do?
If my life ended, would I leave a loving and memorable legacy?
Would I be happy with what people say of me?

Would I be happy with how I lived my life?

You know, just typing that feels good.
I rarely get to express how I really feel these days.
I used to journal and write it all...maybe I should start again.

I just want to be 110% happy with everything I do.
Every decision.
Every performance.
Every effort and every word.

I welcome truth, hope, drive, faith, joy, loyalty and most importantly, love.
All of the love possible.

#Neweginnings

Approve Ref. 74

Here we go again with the unnecessary debate of what is apparently being called the "attempt to redefine marriage."

I can't even begin to describe how upsetting it is, not only as an American citizen, but as a homosexual, tax paying, hard working, love giving, American citizen, to hear of others wanting to deny my rights as so, because my "lifestyle" doesn't coincide with their belief system.

Let's get one thing clear, I have no desire to be apart of your religion. I have no desire to alter your beliefs as a person of faith, and I most certainly do not want to harm your children. I do not understand the logic those who oppose same-sex come up with. Where does it come from?

1. Approving Referendum 74 will redefine what God has instilled since the beginning of time.
-Excuse me? Have any of you even read the Bible? Let's break this down a little bit...
-Deuteronomy 22:28-30, God says for a rapist to marry the woman he has just raped. Awesome.
-Deuteronomy 25:5-10, If said husband dies, wife must marry his brother, and continue down the line. Sweet.
-Polygamy!! This is all over the Bible, no need to state passages. Just read it.
-Exodus 21:1-6, Slave marriage. A lot of slaves were forced to marry and produce slave children. Lovin' it.

Ok you get the point! The Bible never speaks of marriage as simply one man and one woman. Jesus uses it as an example, this I know, but then again He (I capitalized it, ya like that?) even had his disciples up and leave their "domestic" responsibilities in order to follow him. Paul? Yeah, he actually tells us in 1 Cor. not to seek a wife. Thanks Paul, I won't.

2. We Must Protect Our Children.
-Are you kidding me? Since when does allowing 2 people who are in love, who wish to share a mutual agreement to be faithful, loving and commited, harm children?! Maybe its the 41% divorce rate that's harming children, or perhaps the incredible celebrities we see on TV who can't even stay married for longer than 72hours. Will gays get divorces? Yeah, probably, I mean we are HUMAN after all. Sorry about it. Your children are fine. If they see two girls kissing, all you have to do is explain to them that "when two people love eachother very much, they kiss...and get married and stuff." It's called being a parent. Trust me, that'll help any child in the long run...more so than having them sit in church for 5 hours and listen to an old man banter about how terrible life will be if they don't pay their tithes....that was a little below the belt, but you get the point.

3. Pastors and Priests Will be FORCED to Perform Same-Sex Marriage Ceremonies
-Let me ask you something. Would you want someone, on one of the most important days of your life, bitch and moan about how they SO dont wan't to be making this marriage happen right now? Would you, seek a hairstylists who hates you, or a dentist who'd rather pull your teeth out than make you smile? Yeah, didn't think so. So then, why would I seek a Pastor or Priest, or any type of clergyman to perform my wedding ceremony, knowing he/she/it would rather tell me to burn in hell? No one is going to force you to do ANYTHING you don't want to do.

Here's the jist guys, before I get off my soap box. Approving Referendum 74 doesn't obtain any consequences. World War 3 isn't going to break out. Heterosexual couples will still be able to marry....and divorce. Children will be able to choose who they love (remember, we all came from 1 daddy and 1 mommy, so you can't blame the gays for the gays), and life in your own little world, whether gay, straight, transgendered, bi-sexual, queer, what have you, will move forward as you please, with no horrible repercussions.

Just be cool.
Approve Ref. 74.

-Jacob Andrew

My Only Fear

I heard once that one must be comfortable being alone before he can be with someone else.

That's a line I tell most of my friends when they're going through a break up or when they're feeling lonely.

However, it's not advice I take easily myself.

It hasn't been long that I've been single, but it has been long that I've been lonely.

I was once in the greatest relationship I've ever known.

One filled with trust, honesty...and love.

I would literally fall asleep at night, hesitantly because it was almost as if being awake was better.

It was like I had everything I had ever wanted.

Someone to believe in.

Someone to be inspired by.

Someone to truly give everything to.

I lost it.

All of it.

It's been over a year and a half since the end of this great relationship, and even though it was only 3 short months, nothing compares to the experiences and emotions I felt during that time.

Many can say we were young, infatuated and naive...but I have never felt emotions so deep in my entire life.

Even performing in front of thousands of people couldn't give me those same feelings.

My only fear now, that I gave it all up, is to never feel it again.

It ended because I couldn't handle the reality of it.

I was scared of it.

I thought I was going to eternal damnation because of how I was raised.

I though it wasn't going to last because "God" would end it...because it wasn't an "honorable" relationship...

...because it was detestable.

An abomination.

I laid in bed night after night, crying, because I thought God wanted me to end it.

It hurt so much to think about.

I had no idea what to do.

Here I was, 18 and scared for my life...for my destiny...for my soul.

1 thing I knew for sure though, was that I loved him and he loved me.

I didn't last though. I became so weak and eventually, I gave it all up.

Literally threw it all away on one stupid phone call...one stupid decision...and one stupid 22 hour drive from Washington to Arizona.

I learned a lot while in Arizona, but I've never gotten back what I have given up.

I never received the love I believe God wanted me to hand over.

I broke a heart in the process.

I shattered my own, my plans...my everything.

And now here I am, back in Washington, hoping day and night that I will feel once again.

That I will run into love and be allowed to experience it's reality once again.

I have made many mistakes, tons of ridiculous decisions...but yet I still believe in love.

I still believe I can fall in love again.

I want it more than anything.

My only fear is that I wont.

...is that I passed it up a year and half ago, when I climbed into that car and said goodbye to the only true love I have ever known.

My only fear, is to not be truly loved once again.

-Jacob Andrew