My Only Fear

I heard once that one must be comfortable being alone before he can be with someone else.

That's a line I tell most of my friends when they're going through a break up or when they're feeling lonely.

However, it's not advice I take easily myself.

It hasn't been long that I've been single, but it has been long that I've been lonely.

I was once in the greatest relationship I've ever known.

One filled with trust, honesty...and love.

I would literally fall asleep at night, hesitantly because it was almost as if being awake was better.

It was like I had everything I had ever wanted.

Someone to believe in.

Someone to be inspired by.

Someone to truly give everything to.

I lost it.

All of it.

It's been over a year and a half since the end of this great relationship, and even though it was only 3 short months, nothing compares to the experiences and emotions I felt during that time.

Many can say we were young, infatuated and naive...but I have never felt emotions so deep in my entire life.

Even performing in front of thousands of people couldn't give me those same feelings.

My only fear now, that I gave it all up, is to never feel it again.

It ended because I couldn't handle the reality of it.

I was scared of it.

I thought I was going to eternal damnation because of how I was raised.

I though it wasn't going to last because "God" would end it...because it wasn't an "honorable" relationship...

...because it was detestable.

An abomination.

I laid in bed night after night, crying, because I thought God wanted me to end it.

It hurt so much to think about.

I had no idea what to do.

Here I was, 18 and scared for my life...for my destiny...for my soul.

1 thing I knew for sure though, was that I loved him and he loved me.

I didn't last though. I became so weak and eventually, I gave it all up.

Literally threw it all away on one stupid phone call...one stupid decision...and one stupid 22 hour drive from Washington to Arizona.

I learned a lot while in Arizona, but I've never gotten back what I have given up.

I never received the love I believe God wanted me to hand over.

I broke a heart in the process.

I shattered my own, my plans...my everything.

And now here I am, back in Washington, hoping day and night that I will feel once again.

That I will run into love and be allowed to experience it's reality once again.

I have made many mistakes, tons of ridiculous decisions...but yet I still believe in love.

I still believe I can fall in love again.

I want it more than anything.

My only fear is that I wont.

...is that I passed it up a year and half ago, when I climbed into that car and said goodbye to the only true love I have ever known.

My only fear, is to not be truly loved once again.

-Jacob Andrew

Back Before...

20 years old.
I'm not an old guy by any means.
I mean I only turned 20 two weeks ago.
However, I feel as if I've lived through, and have experienced so much.

You know, we spend a majority of our younger years anticipating.
Anticipating being able to drive at 16.
Being able to watch R-Rated movies at 17.
Loathing the wait for high school to be over.
Becoming legal at 18, and dreading the time it'll take to legally drink at 21.

It's like we spend the first 20 years of our lives, waiting.
Waiting for something to happen.

Why do we do that?
Why don't we enjoy, instead?

I bet back before society...before work, before titles, governments, buildings, money, cars, licenses, degrees, systems, regulations, laws and standards...age was simply just the amount of time someone had been alive. Nothing more, nothing less. Life was ageless. It was truly...life.

So many times I catch myself wishing I could go back to high school. Wishing I could go back to elementary school even. Where there were no cares except getting up for school, and playing safely afterward. When we didn't know what true love was, yet loved anyway. When nothing had tainted our imaginations...when society didn't place rules on our lives or standards to meet. Back before we knew what "God" wanted for us other than to smile and feel love.

Don't get me wrong, I love my life. I love my family, my friends, my experiences and my opportunities/talents. But I can't help but wish to go back and live before all of this. To look into the vast open fields with nothing blocking my view. No tall buildings, or grungy roads. Back when life was simply about providing for your family by using the gifts of the world. Water, air, food and warmth. Back when human beings only knew moral laws. Of course we've always been flawed, but to think of how much the flaws have grown because of religion, society, hatred and discrimination, hurts.

If only people could learn to truly live, and not just exist, the world would be so much easier to live in, because then people would learn to value life and not just "wait" for it to end. Because then, people would learn to love themselves and as a result, love others. Of course there's no way to rid of the pollution, the sky scrapers or the nuclear factories...but it is more than possible for each person to learn to live. Regardless of gender, sexual orientation, life situation or life experiences...there is always hope. There is always faith...and there is always love.

-Jacob Andrew

It Gets Better - JacobAndrewAlmanza